Meeting eye to eye with the Mother again.
This time it struck me with a bittersweet blow
that smashed every cell of my body,
turning me into scattered pieces of rubbish.
Sticky, poor, fragile, lame, shitty, small, stepped on.
Insignificant, dispensable, useless, unnoticeable.
I chose my pain. I belittled myself wantedly.
That’s what it taught me.
How far I’ve gone, how far I’ve let go of myself
and my illusions in this world.
How many frustrations and disappointments,
pain, suffering, heart-break,
did I have to endure,
for me to have arrived to such indifference?
Such is the intensity of everything I have lived.
The highest heights and the lowest lows.
What a disgrace!
I’ve fallen into the place I never wanted to fall.
A dreadful pit void of purpose and full of lack.
The place of the defeated.
I’ve done my best. I swear I truly have.
And now all my talents and efforts are just a memory
that I evoke and repeat as a matter of habit for what it was,
not what it is.
I don’t belong here, yet I find myself here,
and for this reason I’m grieving.
I just wanted him to heal,
but the Mother showed me
that the one who needed healing
was actually me.
My feminine power went on fire,
so open and vulnerable
wanting to be
grabbed, touched, owned, desired
with ravenous passion,
me in full sexual hunger.
Feeling my self-love and reminding me who I am
and what I deserve.
My land, the Land.
My mother, the Mother.
Me, the all powerful woman, gentle,
who solemnly leads this valley and these peoples.
The pure goddess in all her splendour.
Me, fully me.
That’s what I now need to find.